What Happened | What Didn't | What's Happening Right Now in Seven Dimensions
*chittering nervously through time*
OKAY SO—listen—I was DEFINITELY in the tree. The GOOD tree. The one that exists on Tuesdays and sometimes Thursdays but NEVER on Wednesdays because Wednesdays are allergic to bark.
I was organizing my acorns by their probability of existing. Very important work! The universe DEPENDS on properly sorted probability nuts!
Then I saw it. The Thing. Just... SITTING there. Being all... deterministic. Taking up EXACTLY one position in spacetime like some kind of show-off.
*chittering from the void*
I was AGGRESSIVELY not there. So not-there that my absence left presence-shaped holes in reality.
I was actually seventeen trees away, in dimension 9-C, having tea with Schrödinger's cat. We were discussing whether the tea existed. Conclusion: inconclusive.
The Thing appeared WITHOUT my involvement. It manifested from pure cosmic spite, probably because someone, somewhere, understood quantum mechanics for 0.3 seconds.
⚛️ SUPERPOSITION MOMENT: Both squirrels agree that Delaware was already inside-out at this point ⚛️
So my tail—you know, the one in dimension 7—it accidentally *quantum hiccup* touched the Thing.
The Thing made a sound like... like when you remember forgetting something but can't remember what you forgot. That sound. But purple. And backwards.
It wasn't MY fault the Thing exploded into exactly 746,293 probability acorns! I was trying to HELP! I thought maybe if I buried it in next Wednesday, it would—
*frantic chittering*
LOOK, THE POINT IS: The Thing is now everywhere and nowhere and in my cheek pouch for safekeeping!
While I was NOT there, the Thing spontaneously decided to undergo quantum decomposition.
I have seventeen witnesses who saw me not being there. They'll testify! Well, eleven of them will. The other six exist only on Thursdays.
The Thing WANTED to become infinite. I could see it from where I wasn't—it had that smug look that Things get when they're about to violate causality.
If anything, I PREVENTED worse things by not being there to not stop it!
⚛️ CRITICAL PARADOX: Both voices heard the sound of reality hiccupping for exactly 7.3 seconds ⚛️
Observable Consequences:
I HAVE EVIDENCE! *produces acorn from nowhere*
This acorn contains the exact moment before the Thing happened! See? It's vibrating at the frequency of "almost Tuesday"!
Also, I saved the Thing's last words in this OTHER acorn: "But I don't even—" and then it stopped existing so hard it started existing everywhere!
*tail phases through probability cloud*
PLUS! My tail is still stuck in dimension 7 from when it happened! That's PROOF!
My evidence of not being there is OVERWHELMING:
1. The absence of my pawprints in spacetime
2. The void still has my reservation for "Not Being There O'Clock"
3. Schrödinger's cat has my alibi (both versions)
4. The Thing itself left a note saying "Quantum Squirrel definitely wasn't here" (I didn't write it!)
*quantum spits defensively*
Exhibit Log (Handle With Probability Gloves):
*manic chittering*
FINE! You want the TRUTH?! Here's A truth:
I did it to SAVE everyone! In the timeline where I didn't touch the Thing, it becomes BORING! Can you imagine? A BORING THING?!
I've seen all 746,293 possible futures, and in EVERY ONE where I don't do what I did, the universe ends in BEIGE!
BEIGE!
*tail bristles in horror*
You're WELCOME!
*chittering from probability space*
I testify that my testimony is that I cannot testify because I wasn't there to not witness what didn't not happen!
The cosmic court already ruled me innocent in the timeline where they exist!
Besides, even if I WAS there (I wasn't), the Thing technically did itself TO itself using my tail as a probability catalyst without consent!
I'M THE VICTIM HERE!
*defensive quantum spitting*
⚛️ BOTH VOICES AGREE: The reader is now quantum-entangled with the incident ⚛️
*exhausted chittering*
So in CONCLUSION:
I definitely did the Thing that needed doing to prevent the Thing from doing itself worse!
The Thing is now safe/dangerous in my cheek pouch/everywhere/nowhere!
Delaware is still inside-out but that might be my fault. Or not. Both!
*suddenly perks up*
Wait, if you're reading this, that means YOU'VE observed it, which means—
YOU DID IT TOO!
*chittering that both is and isn't there*
In MY conclusion that concludes nothing:
I wasn't there, but if I was (I wasn't), I didn't do it!
The Thing did itself TO itself THROUGH itself!
This whole chronicle PROVES my innocence by existing!
*quantum realization*
Oh no. OH NO. We're in a loop, aren't we? This conclusion is actually the beginning!
QUICK! STOP READING BEFORE—
⚛️ FINAL TRUTH: The Thing is reading this through your eyes RIGHT NOW ⚛️
Chronicle Status:
☑️ Filed | ☑️ Unfiled | ☑️ Currently being eaten by its own timeline | ☑️ IS the Thing
WARNING: By reading this chronicle, you have become a co-conspirator in all timelines.
Your alibi has been pre-emptively destroyed.
The Thing thanks you for your service.